| some days it all comes crashing down so hard and so furious. today was that day.
but the tricky thing to all of this is that i'm not crushed by it. weirdly, it has given me new eyes to see and a heart that is warm and tender. to think that i was so blinded by my own self. it was all about me and how i felt and and and
so here i am saying i'm sorry. i'm sorry that i judged you, criticized you, didn't love you like you deserved to be loved, tried to control you, and in some cases i lied about you to make my point.
i want to say that i'll try to be better, that when the urge to control rears its ugly head i will be able to beat it back down. i want to say those things and believe them without hesitation but i need to be honest with you, i won't. oh i want to but...
i feel sick to my stomach. it's good. sometimes we need a good holy throwing up.
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| I am coming back to Texas. Call me if you want to know more and for how long.
I want to see all of you while I am there. |
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| It's a wicked trick when you feel that everything being whispered in your ear is true... To whom ever is going def in their left ear, about me? Surely not. Or yes? Happy Halloween lovely. |
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| So it's not as easy as I thought it would be... this new course I am on. Everything inside of me wants to continue in the path that I have always known... though it slowly breaks me down. I want to be freed from slavery but the familiarity of Egypt is just too much. The attraction is too great. I can't do this. |
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There is a battle going on inside of me. This is not the type of battle you might think I about to describe...
No, this is a battle between Tylenol PM and Bananas Foster. I hope one of them wins soon. I need to crawl in bed soon.
Aaaaand. I am starting college September 25th. What a silly girl I am. But I guess I'm going to be a chef or something... Meh.  I cried quite a few times when I was registering for classes. Not because I am scared (I AM though, just incase you were curious) but because it's such a good thing for me to be doing. I already feel better about myself and I haven't even started yet.
There is something to be said for ending a cycle of self-sabotoge.
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